Monthly Archives: March 2018

Rooted.

March 29, 2018

I think a lot about running. Not just in the literal, both-feet-on-the-ground running (though I do think about that a lot – and just ran a marathon to prove it) but also in the sense of running away from things, and running toward others.

One of my favorite phrases is ‘wild and free,’ because of the feeling it evokes for me: light, airy, someone who does things without giving a care in the world. I think I like the idea of being the girl who’s got a plane ticket in her back pocket and just picks up and goes on a whim. I’m 25. It feels like I shouldn’t need to have things settled by now. I like the idea of being transient and not pinned down, a whole wide world full of options laid out in front of me.

I actually talked to my therapist about how the idea of being pinned down to one option. I can commit to writing 1500 words a day and running a marathon and not spending more money than I’m taking in, but committing to other people is hard for me. And I think that’s why running is so captivating – running means you don’t have to commit. It means you don’t have to be vulnerable. It means you don’t have to be rooted.

Some of my peers are getting married and buying houses and having babies, not necessarily in that order. It feels like I’m at a point where all of that terrifies me, those kind of lifelong commitments that find you attached to another person or situation or place. Sure, you can change those things, but it feels so permanent. I feel way too young for all that, and for a while there I wondered if I meant I’m just too immature. But I don’t think that’s the case – I think I just picked a different path, and I took a little while to figure out what that would be. And the comparison is dumb anyway: I’m happy in LA, with my too-expensive apartment and my independence and my work of figuring myself out.

Running is tempting. When things get hard, I want to do nothing more than get up and leave the situation, no matter what it is. I think running feels really good for a while. It lets you feel like you’re making a change. I think running has a time and a place, and sometimes we don’t know what that is until we’ve done it, but it can’t be a permanent solution.

Sometimes I wonder if when I moved to LA, I was running away from something. Someone accused me of it once. I don’t have an answer, I just know that it felt like the right thing to do in the moment – the only option, really –  and so I did it. Maybe I was running for something: from the cold, from depression, from an environment of my own making that wasn’t serving me anymore. In that case, running was the best course of action.

But it’s not always. My whole life, I’ve dreamed of a close knit community: people who know you, who love you, who call you out on your shit. And I don’t think you get that from running. In fact, I know you don’t. Running doesn’t allow us to build connections, to meet people, to sit with them in the hard times and say “hey, this hurts and I need you to help me get though it, and in return I will do the same for you.” If you’re constantly running, you don’t have those people. You can have friends, sure, but that sense of deep connection isn’t there. That only comes from being rooted.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m starting to put down roots. College felt like a temporary thing, where anything could change on a dime, and very frequently did. I was drifting for two years after I finished college, and now I’m in a place that’s starting to feel like home. I have people here who know me and love me, and I don’t feel like I need to have everything together. It feels good.

When I first moved here, I didn’t have a job or or a place to live. I said that I was going to stay for a year, and if I didn’t like it, I could always move back. In a few days, it will have been a year and I’m not planning on going anywhere. The one year plan has stretched into a tentative three years, but not really. I don’t really have a plan to go anywhere else at all. Maybe I’ll move somewhere else one day, but I’m building a community here, one that feels good and supportive and who I can’t imagine leaving.

Anything can happen, but for now I’m planning to stay where I am, to stay rooted. It’s a little scary, but it also feels freeing in a way that I couldn’t have imagined two years ago.

A Quarter Century

March 9, 2018

I turned 25 on Sunday. I think I’m supposed to feel all existential and “oh my God I’m getting SO OLD” about it, and I did for a bit leading up to it, but mainly I’m just incredibly grateful. I’m so grateful that I have this life, with friends who will plan me a big fancy brunch and bring number balloons (my secret dream that I have literally never expressed to anyone on the planet for fear of it being so basic) and take me to the beach and to bookstores and for tacos and take a thousand photos of me laughing in front of different murals. The weather was good, the laughs were plentiful, and I feel lucky.

Things I don’t want to forget: being told I needed to stay in the car because I got there early (which never happens), the fact that the man who took our big group photo turned out to be the author of Call Me By Your Name, which Bri and I had gone to see the night before, it being Oscar Sunday which hasn’t ever happened before and will likely never happen again, eating tacos for dinner, being too full to eat my free birthday milkshake after breakfast + mimosas + cake, the fact that there was cake at all, sitting on the beach and listening to the ocean and going to two bookstores.

I am 25, and I am thankful.

Currently || March 2018

March 7, 2018

I’m linking up with Anne of In Residence for her Currently link up, which happens the first Wednesday of every month.

Currently…

planning | a trip home at the end of the month, a podcast I’m starting with my friend Bri, what to wear for the marathon I’m running in 10 days!!!

seeing | a lot of good in the world. I’ve found myself in a negative and complaining mood lately, and I am trying very hard to find the good things.

making | not much of anything at the moment, but planning to make these superhero muffins soon from Shalane Flanagan’s cookbook, Run Fast, Eat Slow. I add chocolate chips and raisins, and the combination is great.

pretending | that it’s still my birthday. it’s only been 3 days since I turned 25, so maybe birthday week can be a thing? I’m hoping to write a post about it this week. it was so fun.

wearing | I’ll tell you what I’m not wearing: a winter coat, because I moved out of the East Coast in order to avoid storms like the one hitting the region today!


See prior Currently posts here!

March 2018 Goals

March 2, 2018

MARCH GOALS.

I never actually set goals in February. I intended to, and then the month got away from me, and then there didn’t seem like there was time. But I did manage to read 8 books, go to a lot of physical therapy appointments, and sleep a bit more than usual.

Here’s what I’m hoping to accomplish in March:

  • Turn 25! This one’s happening on Sunday, whether I do anything about it or not 🙂
  • Run the LA Marathon. It’s probably going to be one of the biggest days of my life thus far.
  • Read 10 books. This will put me to my quarterly total of 25 books, which would be awesome.
  • Social media free weekend. If I do this, it’ll have to be next weekend – we’ll see if I can stay off Instagram all weekend. I’m trying to set better boundaries for myself re: social media, and this would help.
  • Podcast meeting. My friend Bri and I are in the very early stages of setting up a podcast, and I’d love us to start talking about it in more detail.
  • Save $250. My savings took a hit in January when I got rear ended by someone without insurance, and I’m still (eternally and perpetually) waiting for my insurance company to get the $500 deductible from them. I don’t have much extra cash, but I’m going to try to knuckle down this month and scrape some together so that I have at least an extra month’s rent. (But thank God I had that savings fund so that I wasn’t left scrambling for that deductible in the first place.)
  • Hang out with a friend (and possibly start a writer’s group). I’ve been trying to make plans with one person for about four months now, and we haven’t gotten our schedules together. We both want to talk about writing and encourage each other, and I’d love to actually do that this month.
  • Clean out my closet + donate my clothes. You’d be amazed at how much stuff I’ve accumulated in 11 months of living here. It’s time to let some of it go.

There’s a lot of big stuff happening in March, and I want to do my best to take things day by day and see what happens!

Do you have any big (or small!) goals for this month?

 

 

The Good Side || February 2018

March 1, 2018

I’m starting a new series featuring all the things that made my life better in recent weeks. (I totally got this format idea from Hannah Brencher, though I’d been searching for a way to compile links like this!) I’m working on being more grateful, and I’m hoping that looking at the good side of things will help with that.


Good quotes.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” – Ernest Hemingway

“You have to learn how to say no without you feeling like you’re being mean. Setting boundaries is how you see who does and doesn’t respect you, your time, or your emotional well-being. Anyone who sees your boundaries and thinks your being mean or tries to push that boundaries is not a person you owe your time or attention.”

“Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else.” – Richard Siken

“You should remember you are equally beautiful and kind and generous and even though you feel lonely, your heart is never alone.” – a friend I love a lot.

Good podcasts.

Song Exploder.
“You think you’re such a mess but what you don’t realize until you move into better phases of your life is being that messed up or lost is also a great freedom, kinda cower to go but up. Because all that side aside, everything was wide open.” – Jack Antonoff, on Song Exploder.
My friend Bri introduced me to this podcast, which invites an artist to break down one of their songs and talk about how it came into being. I absolutely love learning about peoples’ creative processes, and this hits that mark straight on. Favorite episodes: The Killers (this one made me cry), Lorde, The Lumineers.

Happier in Hollywood.
In January, I went to a meet up for this podcast, which describes itself as telling you how to be happier, healthier, saner, more creative, more successful, and more productive in a back-biting, superficial, chaotic, unpredictable, and fundamentally insane world. It’s hosted by two television writers based in Hollywood, but you absolutely don’t need to be in Los Angeles to listen to it.

Good watches.

I was convinced by some friends to see Black Panther, and I absolutely loved it. I’m not much of a superhero movies person, but I wanted the film to do well and once I saw a few trailers I had to admit it looked good. I absolutely did not disappoint, and it’s made me emotional to hear about how important the black representation has been for people. This video of Chadwick Boseman surprising fans while they thank him is the best.

I’m late to the game but I’ve become obsessed with This is Us in recent weeks. I’m only a few episodes behind what’s currently airing, and I almost don’t want to catch up just because I know it’s going to break my heart. But man, what a great show. It’s also exacerbating my complicated feelings about getting older (I turn 25 on Sunday) but in a good way, which makes sense only in my head.


And that’s what I’ve got for The Good Side this time around. I’ve been keeping a list of good quotes all year with the intention of sharing them on the blog, but I’m excited to expand that into a more comprehensive list to share at the end of each month. If there’s anything in particular that’s making your life better, leave a comment!